Never sent

Most of it is overcomplicated, and the almost jovial ending is just plain daft. Above all she was far too busy thinking about herself to appreciate or really even care how I felt. Probably not entirely unlike myself at times...

Qrne Abvfr1,

V nz fb natel jvgu lbh, fb irel irel natel.

Lbh unir npphfrq zr bs gelvat gb pbageby lbhe yvsr, ohg V guvax lbh arrq gb
errinyhngr guvf bcvavba. V guvax lbh arrq gb ersyrpg ba rknpgyl jung unf orra
tbvat ba sbe gur ynfg 2-3 lrnef naq guvax pnershyyl nobhg jub unf orra
pbagebyyvat jub.

Gur zvahgr lbh znqr cynaf sbe Puvan jvgu Abvfr2 lbh jrer va pbageby. Abg zr. Ol
qrprvivat zr nyy guvf gvzr lbh jrer gur bar uvqvat gur gehgu. Abg zr. Lbh xarj
rknpgyl ubj V jbhyq srry nobhg lbhe npgvbaf. Jurgure lbh yvxrq gb urne vg be
abg V rkcynvarq gb lbh va ab hapregnva grezf, V jnagrq ab cneg va nal xvaq bs
"gevny qngvat" neenatrzrag, naq gung vs lbh jrag bss jvgu Abvfr2 V jnagrq abguvat
zber gb qb jvgu lbh. Jura lbh qrpvqrq gb qb gurfr guvatf naljnl, lbh znqr n
pubvpr naq lbh xarj jvgu ertneqf gb zr jung gur bhgpbzr fubhyq unir orra.

V jnag gb znxr guvf irel pyrne: nygubhtu V fnvq V znl unir fhfcrpgrq guvatf
jrag ba orgjrra gur gjb bs lbh guvf jnf n yvr. V arire fhfcrpgrq lbh, vafgrnq V
gehfgrq lbh. Rirel gvzr V sryg qbhog nobhg guvf V oynzrq zlfrys sbe abg
gehfgvat lbh nsgre lbh unq orra fb "fgebat" va ubyqvat onpx sebz qbvat gurfr
guvatf. Creuncf guvf jnf anvir bs zr, ohg ubj ba rnegu qb lbh guvax V pbhyq
unir pbagvahrq jvgu nabgure eryngvbafuvc jvgu lbh? Rira vs V arire gbyq lbh V
unq cynprq zl gehfg va lbh V guvax ol fgnlvat jvgu lbh V znqr vg irel pyrne
gung V unq qbar fb.

V jnagrq fb onqyl gb jbex cnfg nyy zl ynpx bs gehfg naq qbhog va lbh. V jnagrq
gb ybir lbh naq or jvgu lbh sberire ohg vg jnf vzcbffvoyr. Vg jnf vzcbffvoyr
orpnhfr zl zvfgehfg jnf abg zvfcynprq naq shegurezber orpnhfr lbhe pbafgnag
chfuvat zr njnl, uvqvat zber guvatf fb nf "abg gb uheg zr" nal zber, whfg znqr
guvatf jbefr. Juvyr V ernyyl qvqa'g xabj jung jnf tbvat ba naq gubhtug V jnf
whfg frrvat n ersyrpgvba bs zl bja snvyvatf, lbh xarj rknpgyl jung jnf jebat.

Fb jr oebxr hc, vg jnf gur evtug guvat gb qb. Jr jrer abg zrnag gb or gbtrgure.

Nsgre jr oebxr hc V fnvq V sbetvir lbh naq haqrefgbbq jul lbh qvq jung lbh qvq.
V fgvyy fgnaq ol guvf. Vg vf n fnqqravat jrnxarff va zlfrys gung V jnf fb anvir
naq V thrff V jnf ernyyl vtabevat gur boivbhf orpnhfr V jnagrq gb or jvgu lbh
fb onqyl. Lbh ner abg ragveryl gb oynzr sbe jung unccrarq. Znlor V pbhyq unir
jbexrq guebhtu gurfr guvatf naq jr pbhyq unir fgnlrq sevraqf nf jr qvfphffrq.
Ohg lbhe arj "ybir" sbe Abvfr3 unf pybfrq bss gung cbffvovyvgl.

V qvqa'g pyrneyl rkcynva gb lbh jul V sryg lbh jrer nyernql qngvat Abvfr3 orsber
jr bssvpvnyyl oebxr-hc qrfcvgr gurer orvat "ab rivqrapr". Vg zvtug nyfb unir
abg orra pyrne jul V fnvq V jbhyqa'g zvaq vs lbh qngrq Abvfr2 nsgre n juvyr ohg
abg fb fbba nsgre jr oebxr hc. Fb V funyy gel naq rkcynva guvf abj.

Lbh xarj bhe eryngvbafuvc jnf qbbzrq gb snvyher. V qvqa'g xabj gung. V gubhtug
jr jrer gelvat gb jbex guebhtu fbzr xvaq bs snhyg jvgu zr. Gung'f jul V
pbagvahrq gb gel naq znxr guvatf jbex rira gubhtu vg ybbxrq fb uneq, naq lrnu
fbzrgvzrf V jnf abg "gurer sbe lbh" orpnhfr V jnf whfg fb gverq nsgre gelvat fb
uneq. Jura guvf unccrarq lbh fubhyq unir pbzr pyrna jvgu zr naq oebxra hc jvgu zr. Ohg gung'f abg jung lbh qvq. Vafgrnq bs orvat ubarfg jvgu zr lbh sbhaq
fbzrbar ryfr: Abvfr3.

V npphfrq lbh bs qngvat Abvfr3 orsber jr oebxr-hc naq va gur uneq-naq-snfg
grpuavpny frafr bs gur jbeq lbh jrer abg. Ohg va n cenpgvpny frafr lbh jrer.
Lbh pbasvqrq va uvz, lbh gbyq uvz nyy (jryy, npghnyyl zbfg V thrff) bs lbhe
frpergf. Lbh pnzr gb uvz svefg sbe rirelguvat, abg zr. Lbh jbhyq oehfu bss
gnyxvat gb zr fb lbh pbhyq gnyx gb uvz. Lbh xarj ur jnf nggenpgrq gb lbh, ohg
vafgrnq bs onxvat njnl jura lbh sbhaq guvf bhg lbh yrg vg pbagvahr. Lbh yrg uvz
syveg jvgu lbh naq syvegrq onpx: fraqvat lbh cerfragf, univat frkhnyyl
fhttrfgvir pbairefngvbaf, uhttvat, ivfvgvat, fraqvat cvpgherf. Lrf gurfr guvatf
arrq abg or npgf bs syvegvat, ohg va guvf pbagrkg gurl jrer. Orsber lbh qral
guvf V guvax lbh arrq gb guvax pnershyyl nobhg rknpgyl jub lbh ner gelvat gb
pbaivapr.

Lbh xarj jung jbhyq unccra gb zr vs jr oebxr-hc. Lbh xarj V jbhyq or nybar jvgu
abobql gb ghea gb. Lbh xarj guvf, naq lbh xarj jr unq gb oernx-hc naq lbh xarj
V qvq abg xabj guvf jnf gur jnl guvatf _unq_ gb or. Lbh fubhyq or rnfvyl noyr
gb vzntvar abj ubj V srry nsgre fb ybat bs gelvat fb uneq gb ybir lbh, gb jbex
guebhtu zl nccnerag yvzvgngvbaf, naq abj orvat fb nybar bayl gb unir gb jngpu
lbh ercynpr zr jvguva zrer qnlf bs hf oernxvat hc. Lrf V arire ybirq lbh, ohg V
gevrq ernyyl ernyyl uneq gb. Vg vf abg cyrnfag gb jbex fb uneq ng fbzrguvat,
snvy ng vg naq gura fb dhvpxyl jr gbyq gung fbzrbar ryfr pna qb vg fb zhpu
orggre.

Znlor vs lbh pna'g rnfvyl vzntvar ubj V srry nobhg lbh naq Abvfr3 abj creuncf lbh
lbh pbhyq gel gb vzntvar gur fvghngvba erirefrq. Jung vs juvyr lbh ybirq zr,
naq gevrq gb jbex fb uneq gb chg jung lbh unq qbar bhg bs lbhe zvaq sberire, V
unq tvira hc ba lbh naq sbhaq fbzrbar ryfr? Jung vs nsgre jr unq oebxr hc V
vzzrqvngryl ortna funzryrffyl syvegvat jvgu ure ba snprobbx naq lbh pbhyq qb
abguvat ohg jngpu? Jung vs V cbfgrq zrffntrf ba zl yvirwbheany nppbhag nobhg
ubj zhpu V ybirq ure, fnlvat gung nsgre fb ybat fur svanyyl znqr zr srry fb
pbzcyrgr jurer lbh whfg pbhyqa'g phg-vg?

Lbh fnl lbh ner qbvat "abguvat jebat" ol qngvat Abvfr3 naq ntnva va n
uneq-naq-snfg grpuavpny jnl lbh'er evtug. Lbh cebonoyl qvqa'g purng ba zr jvgu
uvz naq va n jnl gung zrnaf abguvat vf jebat. Ohg ernyyl, jung lbh'ir qbar vf
gnxra fbzrguvat gung jbhyq nyjnlf or uneq sbe obgu bs hf naq znqr vg zhpu
uneqre sbe zr. Jung lbh qvq jvgu Abvfr2 fgebatyl cnenyyryf jung lbh qvq jvgu
Abvfr2. Bhe eryngvbafuvc jnf va gebhoyr naq engure guna svkvat vg be svavfuvat
vg lbh jnvgrq hagvy lbh sbhaq fbzrbar ryfr. Znlor gb guvf lbh'yy fnl guvf vfa'g
ubj lbh vagraqrq be gubhtug guvatf jrer unccravat, ohg ng gur raq bs gur qnl vs
lbh unq whfg oebxra hc jvgu zr ybat ntb be rira orra ubarfg jvgu zr sebz gur
fgneg lbh jbhyqa'g unir ohvyg hc fhpu n eryngvbafuvc juvyr jr jrer fgvyy
gbtrgure. Jr jbhyq unir oebxra hc naq V jbhyq whfg or nybar, abg nybar jvgu
fnyg ehoorq vagb gur jbhaq.

...

Fb. Jung abj?

V guvax vg vf pyrne ng guvf cbvag gung jr pnaabg or sevraqf. V pnaabg or gurer
sbe lbh. V nz fb natel jvgu lbh V pnaabg cbffvoyl svaq vg va zlfrys gb gehyl
fhccbeg lbh. V'z fher gung tvira jung V unir whfg jevggra, lbh jbhyq abg jnag
zr gb gel naq or gurer sbe lbh. Lbh znl rira or natel ng zr sbe gryyvat lbh
nyy guvf abj juvyr rirelguvat ryfr vf fhpu n zrff va lbhe yvsr. Naq fb abg
jnag gb or gurer sbe zr rvgure. Znlor Abvfr3 vf fb terng gung lbh qba'g rira
srry lbh arrq fbzrbar yvxr zr nebhaq jnfgvat lbhe gvzr nalzber. Jungrire gur
pnfr, orvat sevraqf evtug abj whfg jvyy abg jbex.

Jung V jnag evtug abj vf n pyrna-oernx sebz lbh. V qb abg jnag lbh gb xabj
nalguvat nobhg zl yvsr evtug abj, jung V nz qbvat be jung V nz srryvat. V nyfb
qb abg jnag gb urne nalguvat zber nobhg lbh.

Guvf vf jul V unir r-znvyrq lbh orsber bhe nterrq gvzr jvaqbj qhevat juvpu lbh
jrer fhccbfrq gb r-znvy zr. Guvf vf jul V qb abg ernq lbhe oybt nalzber, naq
guvf vf jul V unir obgu oybpxrq lbh ba ZFA naq erzbirq lbh sebz zl yvfg.

Jung bs gur shgher?

Sbe gur ynfg zbagu V unir jerfgyrq jvgu jung gb jevgr gb lbh va guvf r-znvy. Nf
lbh pna frr V pnzr gb pbapyhfvba gung V fubhyq gryy lbh zl ubarfg srryvatf
engure guna whfg fnl fbzrguvat yvxr "V jnag n pyrna-oernx naq jvyy vtaber nyy
lbhe shgher r-znvyf" naq abguvat zber be gb yvr naq fnl gung jr fubhyq gel
ntnva gb or sevraqf fbzrgvzr va gur arne shgher.

Gur uneqrfg dhrfgvba sbe zr unf orra jung bs gur ybat-grez shgher. Lbh znl abg
or jung V'z ybbxvat sbe va cnegare, be rira n orfg-sevraq, ohg lbh ner sha gb
gnyx gb. Lbh ner na vagrerfgvat crefba jvgu ivrjf V yvxr gb urne sebz naq
qvfphff guvatf jvgu. Ubarfgyl, V ubcr guvatf jbex bhg bxnl sbe lbh. Vg ohlf zr
abguvat evtug abj sbe lbh gb or hcfrg. V ubcr gung vs lbh unir sbhaq gehr ybir
jvgu Abvfr2 gung bar qnl lbh trg zneevrq naq or gbtrgure sberire. Nygubhtu sbe
abj V whfg qb abg jnag gb xabj.

Fb urer vf jung V jvyy fnl gb lbh. Lbh pna gel naq pbagnpg zr ntnva bar qnl.
Abg bar qnl fbba gubhtu. Gvzr urnyf nyy jbhaqf. Znlor va n lrne be fb V
jvyy unir tbggra bire jung unccrarq orgjrra hf. Nf lbh xabj V unir n ybhfl
zrzbel : )

Creuncf jura lbh ernq guvf lbh jvyy srry gung lbh pbhyq arire be jbhyq arire
jnag gb fcrnx gb zr ntnva. Jul fubhyq lbh znxr gur rssbeg gb gnyx gb zr ntnva
nsgre rirelguvat V unir fnvq? Jryy... vg'f hc gb lbh. Tvira n ybat rabhtu
crevbq jvgu ab pbagnpg lbh jvyy or bhg bs zl yvsr. Vs lbh qb abg pbagnpg zr
ntnva, gura zl yvsr jvyy pbagvahr jvgubhg lbh. Ohg vs nsgre fhpu n ybat gvzr
lbh jnag gb funer gur bqq wbxr jvgu zr, be pngpu hc ba jung unf orra tbvat ba
gura lbh pna gel naq fnl uryyb. V qb abg cebzvfr nalguvat gubhtu
Gur pubvpr vf lbhef.

Tbbqolr Abvfr1.

Gnxr pner.

Fvapreryl,
WvCU